Torturing The Zodiac
by ChipsAhoyPup
Summary: What happens when I get bored and decide to mess with the zodiac? They all nearly die, or are caught in the most embarassing situations ever, of course! Updated: The Beginning Of A Movie!
1. Tigers and Wolves and Perverts, Oh My!

**Torturing The Zodiac**

**ChipsAhoypup**

**A/N I seriously don't know what this is about. I was completley and insanely bored.**

**Disclaimer: Blahblahblah, I own nothing, yus. ^-^ Well, I own Pandora and me, but that's it. =3**

"What the crap? WHERE are we going?" Growled Kyo.

"THE ZOO!" Tohru cried out.

"And that's a good idea, how?" Kyo asked. Tohru shrugged.

"I thought it'd be fun," She chirruped. Kyo sighed.

"Fine." He gave in. Stupid, silly Kyo. He lets Tohru the idiot run his life!

So Tohru, Kyo, Yuki, Momiji, Haru, Kisa, and Hiro all went to the zoo. I picked all the kids, by the way. Not that you care. Wait, when was this first person? Oh, right now. Okay.

So they got to the zoo and Kisa immediatly wanted to see the tigers. So Hiro went with her, while Kyo, Tohru, Yuki, Momiji, and Haru stayed behind. I think they were buying hot dogs from where I watched with my amazing binoculaurs. Whatever. I turned to watch Kisa.

"Why did you drag me here again?" Growled Pandora.

"For fun. Look," I replied, handing her a spare pair of binoculaurs. "Watch."

Kisa went up to the tiger and nodded her head. "Ah, okay." She unlocked the cage with the magical keys I had given her.

"What's she doing?" Yelped Pandora.

"I gave her keys to the cages knowing that the tiger would tell her it wanted to come out," I answered. Duh. It's fun to watch animals attack people.

"YOU IDIOT! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" Snapped Pandora. I laughed.

"Silly, silly Pan-pan. Of course I'd do that just to watch people get mauled. LOOKY!" I pointed at where Hiro got his arm ripped off from the tiger. He screamed, and the tiger ran off. I laughed. "My plans! THEY WORKED! It's alive! MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

"You didn't create Frankenstein, so stop acting like that." Pandora rolled her eyes.

"I should've brought the people I hated here," I muttered sadly. I grabbed Pandora and brought her to the wolf cage, throwing her inside. I could talk to wolves and panthers, so I said to them in wolf language, "She tastes like the best meat you have ever eaten. Eat her. Now." So they thanked me in wolf language and started to chase Pandora around the cage. Score one for the wolf-panther.

"Time to cause distress." I charged at Kyo and tackle-glomped him. He turned into a cat and I turned into a wolf-panther. "EVERYONE, LOOK! THIS KID JUST TURNED INTO A CAT, AND THE WEIRD CREATURE THAT I AM IS TALKING! REMEMBER, PICTURES LAST LONGER!" I shouted.

"You're letting our secret out, Mel!" Snapped Yuki.

"I know, right? This is so much fun!" I raced away on my four paws, ignoring the people that chased me. Some stupid kid grabbed my tail and pulled me backwards.

"Puppy," Squeaked the kid.

"I am NOT a puppy, I'm a wolf-panther. Let go!" I bit the kid's arm hard and pulled backwards, ripping his arm off. I watched the blood gush out, his mother get a broom out of her purse(WOW! How did she fit a BROOM in her PURSE?!), and start wacking me with it. I laughed. "I JUST TORE YOUR KIDS ARM OFF! HAVE A GOOD LIFE!" Then I ran again, straight past the wolf cage.

"GET ME OUT, OR I WILL KILL YOU, MEL!" Shouted Pandora from where she was still running.

"El-oh-el. I'd never let you out. Muahahaha!" I called down to her, springing away. "I am totally gonna add an Oliver and Company reference, right here!" I stopped and started to dance. "Why should I worry? Why should I ca-a-are?" I sang.

"YOU SHOULD WORRY AND CARE BECAUSE YOU NEARLY KILLED PAN-PAN, REVEALED THE SOHMA SECRET, AND TORE A KID'S ARM OFF!" Snapped some person I didn't know.

"Ohhey. Do I know you?" I asked the person.

"Yes, I'm your best friend," Grumbled the person. I blinked. And blinked again.  
"No, I seriously don't know you. Are you a stalker?" I shivered.

"Yes. I'm also a pervert and watch you at your window when you get changed," The person said.

"OHCRAP! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" I yelped.

"Because you are very hot." The person blinked.

"What the crap? I don't even know you!" With that, I clawed the guy's eyes out so that he couldn't see. Yay, now he couldn't watch me from the window.

Then I ran down to the entrance of the zoo where a limo was sitting. I jumped into the limo and landed in the seat. "Okay, chauffer, take me home!" I ordered. Even though I was an animal, he just drove me home. I laughed evily, feeling like Akito, as I headed home.

And I knew that tomorrow would be even more misery for the zodiac.

**A/N I know, this is the most random thing I EVER made. ^-^ But I'm random, so whatever. Laugh at it, please. If you don't laugh, then I will hug Shigure, turn into a wolf-panther, and claw you to death. You could have the fate of the kid who is now called Lefty, or the now-blind-stalker-pervert dude. Oh yeah, and that goes the same for reviewing.**


	2. The WhippedCream Can

**Torturing The Zodiac**

**ChipsAhoyPup**

**A/N JUST LIKE A CIRCUS! XD**

**Disclaimer: DUH, I ONLY OWN ME AND PAN-PAN AND THE IDEA OF THIS STORY AND THAT IS ALL, OKAY? D:**

"A WHAT?" Asked Kyo.

"A circus. For me? Please?" Tohru asked. Kyo sighed.

"Fine, we'll go to the circus." What they didn't know was that I was going to be RUNNING the circus. And they would be my minions.

So they got to the circus and I, the ringleader, came out of the back. "HELLO! I NEED VOLUNTEERS RIGHT AWAY!"

"I WILL, I WILL!" Screamed some random kid from the crowd.

"NOT YOU!" I whipped the kid with my uber long whip and his nose bled. He sobbed. I laughed.

"Okay, I need people that can do a magical trick where when I hug them they'll turn into an animal and turn me into an animal too."

"No one here is like that," Shouted Yuki from the crowd. Oh, Yuki. He always tries to cover up crap.

"SERIOUSLY. ANYONE WHO'S LAST NAME IS SOHMA BETTER GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'LL HUNT THEM DOWN AND THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEM..." I took a cover off the top of a cage. Inside was the Lefty kid and the guy with no eyes. I'd taken them hostage to use them as examples for what I could do to people.  
The Lefty kid had a whipped cream can and was spraying whipped cream into his mouth. "STOP THAT OR I'LL PUNCH YOU IN THE STOMACH AND YOU'LL COUGH THE WHIPPED CREAM OUT!" I ordered. The kid sobbed and threw the whipped cream can. Unluckily for him, it hit me in the head. "YOU BRAT!" I picked the whipped cream can up and beat him with it until blood dripped down from his forehead and he was laying unconcious.

"As I was saying, you better come down here, or THAT'll be you," I continued, pointing at the unconcious Lefty and the shivering, eyeless pervert.

So ALL of the Sohmas raced down, looking terrified. "YOU TOO, HONDA!" I shouted. Tohru came running down, tripped on air, and fell face-first in the dirt. I stared at her for a moment before I took the whipped cream can and poured whipped cream in her hair. "IT'S THE DIRT MONSTER! AHHHHHH! AHHHH!" I shouted. Everyone stared at me as if I was crazy. "...Right."

"What did you need us to do, anyways?" Grumped Kyo, in his grumpy fashion. I laughed at him.

"WELL, first of all, we need to be a tiger trainer since there are NO LIONS." I glared at them as if it was their fault that there was no lion in the zodiac. Then I hugged Kisa and she turned into a tiger cub and I turned into a wolf-panther. "I SHALL NOW TAME THIS BEAST!" I whipped the whip at Kisa and she bit the whip and ripped it in half. At first I stood there on my four paws, blinking.

Then I picked the whipped cream can up with my teeth and threw it at her. It bonked her on the head and she went unconcious. "TA-DAAAAAAAA!" I shouted. No one cheered. So I sighed and said, "The next act'll be better." I relucantly hugged Rin and she turned into a horsey.

"You suck," Growled Rin.  
"THANKAYOU!" I shouted. I jumped onto her back, still a wolf-panther. "Run like the wind, Bullseye!"

"My name's Izuzu, not Bullseye," Rin murmered.

"NO, YOUR NAME IS BULLSEYE BECAUSE YOUR BUTT IS THE PERFECT BULLSEYE FOR MY DART!" I got off her back and threw a dart at her. It was a sleeping dart. It hit her in the butt and she collapsed, falling asleep. "TA-DAAAAGAIN!" I cried out. Still no one cheered.

"You are a really tough crowd. What can I do to make you cheer?" I asked the crowd.

"You can kiss someone while you're a dog," Called a random perv from the crowd.

"I'm not a dog, I'm a wolf-panther! CAN YOU PEOPLE LEARN THE BREED I AM AT SOME POINT?" I screamed.

"Just kiss someone," Grumbled the random perv. I bristled.

"FINE! DO YOU HAVE A PARTICULAR PERSON IN MIND?" I shouted.

"Me," Said the random perv.

"No way, dude," I growled. "And stop being so stalkerish because I can easily claw your eyes out like the other guy." I pointed to the eyeless pervert in the cage.

"Fine. Kiss a girl then," The random perv said.

"DUDE, I'M STRAIGHT!" I protested, bristling.

"On the cheek?" The perv continued.

"CAN YOU JUST SHUDDAP?" I snapped.

"Okay, okay. Just kiss the Ichigo cosplayer and I'll cheer, okay?" The random perv asked.

"I. Hate. You," I growled. But I licked Kyo on the cheek, although I started spluttering after I had. The random perv was the only one to cheer, while everyone else still stared blankly. "What can I do to make the sane people cheer?" I asked.

"You can eat a pickle," Said a semi-sane person.

"Really? Okay!" I went to the concession stand and asked for a pickle. He told me he didn't have any, so I tackled the stand over with my paws. "YOU SUCK! SERVE PICKLES NEXT TIME OR I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!" I shouted. I went back to the stage. "Sorry, they don't have pickles."

"Then we want you to slip and fall," Someone said.

"Like a clown?" I asked.

"Yes," Shouted someone else.

"Well what if I make one of THESE clowns do it?" I gestured to the Sohmas.

"Make the long-haired dude do it," Someone shouted. I blinked.  
"Who, Ayame?" I asked.

"YES!" Shouted several people at once.

"Okay." I put the whipped cream can in front of Aaya's feet. "Walk forward," I ordered Ayame. Like the dumb snake he is, he walked forward, slipped, and fell. Shigure and Hatori laughed at his pain. And so did the whole crowd. "Wow. It worked."

After that, I made Ayame fall several other times, with the crowd still laughing. Time to wrap it up.

"AND FOR THE FINALE," I barked to the stadium. (When did it become a stadium? OH THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ANOTHER WORD FOR THE TENT OR SOMETHING!) "There will be a dog pile on ME." Because then everyone would transform, that's why. But all the Sohmas stared at me blankly.

"EVERYONE JUST TACKLE ME!" I ordered. So they all hastily tackled me and there were a whole bunch of animals. "THE. END." I shouted as if it was a story. Then a book closed.

"What kind of book was THAT? It sucked," Growled Pandora.

"It's my kind of book," I snickered. "Now get me a pickle." And so, Pandora went to get me a pickle while I thought about how I could torture my minions tomorrow.


	3. Comedramactionromancical

**Torturing The Zodiac**

**ChipsAhoyPup**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING BUT PAN-PAN AND ME, OKAY?**

**A/N ...Meep?**

"YES! A MOVIE," I shouted into the phone. "YOU'D BETTER TELL EVERYONE, 'GOD', OR I'LL KILL YOU, 'GOD', AND SERVE YOU TO DOGS! ...'GOD'!" Then I hung up.

And so, after that, everyone came. And of course by everyone I mean the Sohmas, Honda, and... Pandora. The free-loader, I like to call her.

"We are doing a movie," I declared. They all blinked a couple of times at me... then blinked again, and then... again.

"Erm... what kind of movie?" Shigure asked. (I wanted to hug him, but I'd hold that for later. And besides, I knew Pandora would be ready to snap photos at any moment.)

"Uhm... I call it a 'Comedramactionromancical.' It's my made-up word for a Comedy Drama Action Romance Musical. It's... weird. Okay?" I explained. They all looked confused.

"Well, what roles do we have?" Yuki suddenly asked.  
"I HATE YOU, YUKI! ...Sorry, I feel compelled to say that every time you talk," I muttered. Yuki looked depressed. Score. I continued talking, "Okay... Well... um, Tohru will be the heroine, Kyo will be the hero, Yuki will be the villain... Kureno will be the person who dies right away, just because I hate him more than life itself, oh, and he sucks... um... Shigure will be the hero's BFF slash side-kick... er... Hatori will be the side-kick for Yuki because we totally need emo power... Ayame will be Yuki's brother whom he hates... Kisa, Hiro, and Momiji will be little school kids who also die right away, just because I have nothing to do with them..." I trailed off, trying to remember who's left.

"What about me?" Several people said at once... it was Akito, Kagura, Pan-pan, Ritsu, Rin, and... Bob.

"WHY IS BOB HERE?" I shouted.

"Um... because I wanna be," Said Bob.

"Who's Bob?" Asked Tohru sweetly.

"Shuddap, Tohru, I hate you too... You don't know BOB THE BUILDER?" I asked incrediously. "LOOK, HE EVEN HAS HIS AMAZING BUILDING HAT!"

"Yes I do," Bob said, nodding his head in irregular ways.

"Fine, Bob'll be the person who dies after Kureno," I decided.

"Why after me?" Kureno asked.

"BECAUSE YOU SUCK!" Me and Shigure shouted at the same time.

"Um... Akito and Kagura will die after Hiro, Kisa, and Momiji, who die after Bob... and Pan-pan will be the hero's pet, because every hero needs a pet. Rin and Ritsu will die after Akito and Kagura. And I think that's everybody, am I right?" I felt very succesful, because usually I forget someone.

"You forgot me," Said Haru monotoniusly.

"...Well why didn't you say something earlier?" I asked.

"Because I didn't feel like it," Muttered Haru.

"Ahm... okay. Well, you'll be dead at the same time as Akito and Kagura," I decided.

"I want to die with Rin," Complained Haru. I could tell he was going to go Black soon and destroy my movie set.

"Okay, okay! You die with Rin and Ritsu," I squeaked, hiding behind somebody.

It was Bob.

"Can we fix it?" Bob asked.

"Shuddap, Bob," I growled.

And then it panned out for a TBC chapter that makes readers want to strangle me.

**A/N Random sidenote: I'm in the mood for a roleplay thing where we have OCs that go to Fruits Basket at the same time that Ayame, Shigure, and Hatori are in High School.**

**It doesn't have to be REAL literate, just no chatspeak, y'know? Also, if we did that, my fellow roleplayer would have to be Shigure's POV... and maybe make him fall in love with my OC, Mel? ^-^**

**But to be fair, I'd be either Ayame or Hatori (whichever you want to love YOUR OC.) ...But please, make it Hatori. I'm pretty good at roleplaying him, so... it would be easier for me.**

**Okay, yeah, review, send me a PM about the roleplay, and goodbye. =D**


End file.
